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Are you even listening.
I feel Wicked...

I'm having trust issues with God right now. I keep getting told that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me and that I might not understand now but it will make sense in the end...

My heart has been ripped out, and no one is to blame but God. And as a good Christian I am supposed to sit back and accept that it's for a reason, but that is way easier said then done. I feel like God is a boyfriend who just smashed my heart into a million pieces for no good reason, and now I am just supposed to trust that He won't do it again... No reasoning or anything. Do you know how hard that is? And I have no choice but to put my trust in something that has, for lack of a better term, failed me. Not for one second do I think that God doesn't exist, I know He is real and He is there, but I just don't like Him very much right now. And I feel so guilty about that.

I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. I want to be pregnant right away, but I am afraid that it won't happen. And if it does, what's to say that this won't happen again, I don't know how I could deal with that. I start thinking of baby stuff and I get excited but then immediately anxious that it will never happen. And it so much worse now, because these past four years we have dreaded that we may never get pregnant that you don't realize that there is this entire time period after you get pregnant that something might still go wrong... And I am freaking out about it...

We are always told that God will never give us more then we can handle... But I think that He made a mistake. He took my baby and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it.


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