It's getting hot in here
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Also... Hot flashes.

So I am a sweating fatty sitting in bed eating enchiladas late at night...

Hoi goys...

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Starving. To death.
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Clomid day 4:

I want to eat everything. Out of all the side effects why did I have to get increased appetite. More coconut shrimp please

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C to-the L to-the O
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
Comid.
I've tried this before, but only for two months. Today is day one of Clomid. I take 1 pill every morning for 5 days starting on the 3rd day of my cycle. So I will take my last pill this month on the 04/14/2014. On 04/17/2014 I start peeing on ovulation test strips every morning. I have to space out the time cause my cycle is so erratic and those test strips aren't cheap! Infertility isn't wallet friendly. If all works great the Clomid will help me ovulate and the test strips will let me know when that happens with a little smiley face. Now I have seen that smiley face before, so even if I have sex every day it doesnt guarantee it. So coupled with taking my temperature every morning and tracking my cervical mucus I should get a good idea of what is going on.

So to sum it up:
5 days of Clomid starting on day 3
Ovulation testing starting on day 10
BBT every morning the second I wake up
Track cervical mucus
Chart all info
Have sex every other day except when I get a positive on ovulation test, then have sex two days in a row.
Don't move for like 30 minutes after sex, just lay there. How fun.

I have a 6 month supply of 50mg Clomid, if after 6 months we are still getting a negative at the end of the month, we are going to up the dose to 100mg for another 6 months. Don't ask me what comes after that cause idk. Jump off a bridge possibly?

I love when people like to say "Don't worry about it so much, just have fun" I really wish it was that easy. I know that a newbie to the whole process would be like "hey sex every other day! Sweet!" Yeah not so sweet. When there is a specific goal in mind, it kinda takes away from the whole sexiness of sex. Also, to have a baby female orgasm is not necessary. Now I'm not saying that it never happens, but its not really at the top of my priorities when we have sex. So, yeah. Infertility pretty much takes the joy out of sex and turns it into work.

It isn't easy being green...
Gerard Butler... Mmmm
glitteryal
Jealousy. Oh how I loath thee. No one chooses to be jealous, if you could just be happy for someone who has something good going on in there life that would be ideal. But I cant help it. I cant help feeling tears prick my eyes when I have to listen to my in laws fawn over the new addition to the family resting in my sister in laws flawless body. I had to sit and smile and nod while listening to how much she eats now (how hilarious is that?!), and how they thinks its a boy cause Shannen has two brothers (well if you knew anything about genetics you would know that it didnt matter if Shannen has a fucking monkey as biological sibling), and how she has to constantly drink milk, and as we are all saying goodbye Terrence standing behind Shannen with his hand resting on her stomach and talking in her ear and smiling happily... right out of a fucking movie or something. Pricks. I keep saying that I am honestly so happy for them, and a part of me is of course, but to be honest for every bit I feel happy for them, i feel so fucking pissed and jealous.

Fine I'll just come out and say it. It should be me. After four and a half fucking years it my fucking turn. Shannen and Terrence make this big deal about how they have been trying for so long and God gave them this gift (6 months of trying btw) If thats the case, where is my fucking gift. Haven't I been faithful and good? Have I done something horrible to deserve this? so seriously? What the actual fuck!!

For the first time since this whole process has started, I feel my faith wavering. Does God have ANYTHING to do with this? I know I cant post one day that I must remain faithful, and then the next post complain that I dont know why this is happening to me, they very antithesis of faith. But if I have learned anything from this, is that NOTHING about it is normal. There is no one size fits all for the emotion that you feel. I am going to feel different then another women dealing with the same issues. And every day is a different emotion. Some days I feel so hopeful and excited, other days (like today) I feel pissed off and defeated. I always feel heartbroken. I always feel like there is something missing. There will never come a point in my life that being childless won't ache and burn. I hope that I won't always feel like this because I someday wont be childless, but the fact of the matter is that there is a  possibility that it won't happen for me. I am SO sick of people telling me that it will happen and that I need to be patient. Well fuck you. Stop telling me that its just not our time or that it isn't my fault. Well it is. It is my fucking fault. I don't ovulate, and when I do its so erratic that I could have sex every damn day and still not get pregnant. It's all my fault.

Maybe I'll get hit by a car tomorrow and none of this will matter.

Faith
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
I've been kinda depressed lately, the holidays are difficult since it is a reminder of how much more special it could be if we have a child to share it with. Nicole's roommate sent me a Saint Gerard chaplet who is the patron saint of mothers along with a encouraging note it was such a beautiful and touching gesture and it helped me remember that I am never alone in this. I always have God backing me up. So I am trying to remember that I can turn to him. There is a great article in my bible that talks about infertility.

"In the old testament, childlessness is a theological issue. Fertility is controlled by the Creator, who causes fertility and infertility according to his purpose and promises. God often chose infertility as a precursor to the birth of a promised or unique child, marking the birth as God's own work. Childlessness is thus a trial of patience that prompts prayer and faith." Isaac pleaded with the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was unable to have children. The LORD answered Isaac’s prayer, and Rebekah became pregnant with twins. Gen 25:21

I like that. The idea that God has a plan for me and my future child. And its something big. I just need to remain patients and have unwavering faith. 

Just relax, it will happen
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
Infertility. This is something that is difficult for me to talk about, but I need an outlet. I need to talk about it without someone trying to give me some ridiculous advice like "Oh just relax and it will happen". Just. Relax. Oh really? That's all it will take. So I don't need to take my temperature everyday the second I wake up, spend money on ovulation tests every month, or keep a log of my periods and every time we have sex. I just need to relax. 4 years later and I now have the answer! People don't understand, and that's why I cant talk about this.  I don't need to hear everyone's advice and hearing what they think I'm doing wrong. And I certainly don't need to be told "Don't worry, if you cant have children, I will be a surrogate for you" Cause that's what I really want, my friend who can produce children on her own to carry my child because I can't do it myself. That makes everything better, guess I don't need to worry! How nice of you to offer.

Everyday I think about this. Once a month I'm brought to tears. Its not easy. As a newlywed I'm constantly asked when we are going to have children. I always laugh it off and say that we are just enjoying time for ourselves, because once they are here children ruin everything (ha.ha). Then I typically spend the night surfing Pinterest pinning baby clothes, newborn announcements, and gender reveal party ideas onto my secret "I want a baby" board.

I'm ready to give up. I feel frustrated. It feels like everyone around me is having kids. And i know it should just be a joyous time for them, but seriously, fuck them all. It should be me. I want so bad for it to be me. Oh and also, being told "Maybe its not the right time for you"  cause it feel so right. I don't know how I could be more ready. I know I would be a good mom, I know Bill would be a good dad. But I have a home with a extra bedroom and I'm afraid that it will never be used.

Growing up, you always imagine what it would be like when you have kids. You pick out names for your future children (which almost ALWAYS change) You never are prepared for what to do or feel if that dream can't be reached. I know I should be optimistic, keep my chin up. But sometimes I want to just curl into a ball, cry, and wallow in self pity. And that's ok..

Some people are so cruel...
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

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The night before the election.
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Kathie just told Bill she is going to vote for Romney because Obama wants microchip everyone and he is Muslim.... Seriously? WORST.PERSON.EVER

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Mekanik Reunion Tomorrow
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

So I am getting all five of my closest friends from high school together tomorrow and offered up my house as a meeting place. It is the first time all of us will be together in the same room since probably Jessica graduated in 2004... Since they are coming I obviously have to clean the filth that is our down stairs, and no it's not like Hoarders bad or anything, but toys are all over the place and the couches are fucking disgusting. So Bill an I head down and start cleaning. We come up with the great plan on how to clean the couches. Kathie comes down and is like "Wow they look so good what did you guys do!" and Bill starts saying how I (As in me, Ashley) took the steam cleaning and used the spray attachment on it and he got a towel and wiped it all down. In the middle of explaining Kathie interrupts with "Don't tell me Ashley, who hates cleaning and never cleans came up with this? I didnt even know she new how"

Seriously? Look bitch, there are three people who can joke around my cleaning skills (or lack there of), my husband and my two sisters. You are not on the list so shut your mouth. I do not see the sense in cleaning after your fucking family in your house. I really don't take pride in your ugly shit, that you people don't even take care of! You let a two and a three year old run this house and do whatever the fuck they want and you expect me to tidy up after them. Fuck that noise. When I have a kid, trust me, they will act nothing like the wild monkey children that your a raising, and I will take care of my own shit and teach them to take care of their shit. In the mean time, why don't you go lay down or and start blabbering on about how people steal your shoes you old bag! And to prove my point, I give you the kids toy room: (literally the dump is more organized then this room!!!)

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My husband might die tonight!
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

I love my husband, I do. But I am going to murder him!

We have a photo booth gig tomorrow and we are going over everything tonight setting it up and making sure everything still work right and the photos print right.... And seriously? People call me a control freak! This man doesn't like any idea if it isn't his!!! I am literally helping him and he is getting annoyed at what I am doing. I was wrapping the cords up and tying it together with velcro zip ties which come off with ease, and he starts huffing an puffing about how he wants to know where everything it and not have to fumble around when he gets there. So he just wants to show up and putt everything out of the box and all the cords are attached and some how, all 500 cords won't be tangled? Brilliance!!!! I tell him "I am putting the printer, and all the cords for the printer, and all the cartridges in this bag and then I am putting that in the box" a few seconds later I ask where I should put the other bulb. He starts looking for the packaging box all the cartridges came in, "Oh well I was going to put all the cartridges in this box and then you could have out the bulb in here" Eat a dick! I just fucking told you that I put all the printer stuff together in this bag so it looks all neat and organized so when you show up to this event that we are getting paid for and could possibly book more events you don't look like you put this together in your garage!!!! Why the fuck do you need that box! I organized it all for you fucker! But since you didn't come up with the plan it's not a good idea. Oh and the logo that print of the top of the pictures that you said you spent 45 minutes in, I could have done in 10 an it would have looked better, maybe you should ask me for help with the stuff you know I am better at... I know he will come back tomorrow with everything just thrown in the box, and I don't give a fuck, I am going to unpack and reorganize everything!!!!!

I might possibly strangle him with those damn zip ties....

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