It's not fair
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

I know I know, life isn't fair... Everything happens for a reason... God has a plan... We might never know.

But even though I KNOW all of this, truly understand every bit of it, I am still beyond frustrated with how unfair it truly is. I am putting hormones in my body that literally changes who I am. I react to things differently, I feel different, I want different things. I am not myself and I've done it all before. I did it all already so I should be done with this shit peeing on test strips and waiting around in the bathroom to see what it says it just, SUCKS. I don't want to have to do this shit, I just want my baby. Why was it taken?

It's just not fair.


Anxiety...
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Going back to this pregnant not pregnant thing is killer. From a young age we are taught that missing a period is the first sigh that you are pregnant. So psychologically every time I go to the bathroom and no period yet I get a little hopeful, as stupid as it seems. Between the depression and the kids being here we have had sex like 4 times total in the last month... So that chances are very slim to none... And so when my brain for a second flashes that maybe I'm pregnant, I get pissed at myself for being so damn stupid. I hate this. I hate that my abnormal body that I have come to kinda understand is even more out of whack and abnormal. I have no idea when I will ovulate or even when my period will come... Whine whine whine


Are you even listening.
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

I'm having trust issues with God right now. I keep getting told that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me and that I might not understand now but it will make sense in the end...

My heart has been ripped out, and no one is to blame but God. And as a good Christian I am supposed to sit back and accept that it's for a reason, but that is way easier said then done. I feel like God is a boyfriend who just smashed my heart into a million pieces for no good reason, and now I am just supposed to trust that He won't do it again... No reasoning or anything. Do you know how hard that is? And I have no choice but to put my trust in something that has, for lack of a better term, failed me. Not for one second do I think that God doesn't exist, I know He is real and He is there, but I just don't like Him very much right now. And I feel so guilty about that.

I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. I want to be pregnant right away, but I am afraid that it won't happen. And if it does, what's to say that this won't happen again, I don't know how I could deal with that. I start thinking of baby stuff and I get excited but then immediately anxious that it will never happen. And it so much worse now, because these past four years we have dreaded that we may never get pregnant that you don't realize that there is this entire time period after you get pregnant that something might still go wrong... And I am freaking out about it...

We are always told that God will never give us more then we can handle... But I think that He made a mistake. He took my baby and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it.


Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be...
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Dontcha just love when a musical can capture exactly how you feel in one line.

I won't accept the diagnosis that I was never pregnant, I'm not insane. I was pregnant, the fatigue was real the nausea was real the craving were real and the hormones were real. Also three pee tests don't lie

The simple fact was that I was pregnant, and now I'm not. Regardless of what happened that's all that matters.

That's all I have to say, I'll find out what happened eventually but right now I just don't care. Fuck you Annie, thanks for reminding me that the fucking sun is going to come out tomorrow even when it feels like the world should be over...

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(no subject)
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

Is it totally normal to having this much anxiety?? I spent the whole morning looking up ectopic pregnancies. I'm worrying myself because I'm not having as many symptoms, which is dumb and should just enjoy it while it last... I neurotically check for blood every time I go to the bathroom and almost panicked this morning when the stupid toilet paper had ripped apart and I was able to see trough it

I'm such a spaz..

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Poppies... Poppies. Poppies will put them to sleep
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
So after waiting three house in the doctors office, having the most harrowing experience in the restroom (an elderly women, from here on known as Piss Pants McGillicuddy was unable to get out of the bathroom stall and had pissed all over the bathroom, which meant I was standing in a puddle of mysterious "water" that I am sure was a mixture of bathroom floor water and piss.) I get thr confirmation from the doctor that I am pregnant. Based on my last period I am 4 weeks and 6 days and my due date will be 01/13/2015. (which at first the told me 1/14/15 but the date was wrong because all the info on my last period was on my phone and my phone had died after waiting three hours so what I told them was off by one day)

Our Little Crouton is about the size of a poppy seed.

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Suddenly you're here
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal

I can't believe it, like seriously I still don't believe it. I have this horrible feeling that any second I will start my period and none of this will have been real. I don't think I can relax and just feel good until I see a doctor, which is today at 1pm.

So far all I have noticed is sore breasts, some fatigue and a little abdominal cramping. I've been craving bread, so much so that I ate two bowls of salad so I could eat extra croutons. Then I just started eating them out of the bag, prompting me to start calling our little embryo "Crouton". But I really love bread even when I'm not pregnant so I'm not sure that's a symptom. Based off my predicted ovulation and my last period I would think I'm between 4-5 weeks, so the symptoms I am having are about right.

Can't wait until I can just feel excited and not anxious

Tags:

I see you shiver with antici... pation
Lets Get Some Shoes...
glitteryal
This time of the process is always the most dreadful. The agony knowing there is nothing else to do now, and its just a waiting game. Every small thing your body goes through, you are sure is a sign that you are pregnant. The funny thing is the early signs of pregnancy are the same as PMS, so fuck. Wake up feeling tired, maybe i'm pregnant. Headaches, maybe i'm pregnant. Really hungry, maybe i'm pregnant. bloated and moody, maybe i'm pregnant. Its too early to test, and if you did break down and take a test you would just tell yourself that the reason it was negative is because you tested too early. Its absolute agony. And I just build myself up for disappointment...

Wish me luck this next week, cause i'll be pulling my hair out in anticipation.

Blechy
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
I have ovulation hormones with a Clomid kicker and it has knocked me on my ass... I need some sleep.

Ovulation all I ever wanted
I feel Wicked...
glitteryal
Saw that little happy face on my ovulation test. This means that there is a increase in luteinising hormone, which typically happens 1-2 days before ovulation. So with the help of Clomid I should produce a healthy eggs or two within the next couple of days. Giving me the best chances to conceive within the next 12-36 hours. We have been having sex every other day since 4/14/14, any more then that causes a major decreases healthy sperm. But this is the one time in the month we can have sex two days in a row. (Nothing is sexier they scheduling)

I feel good about this month, but part of me is a little afraid that I am setting myself up to be disappointed. I couldn't sleep last night so I laid in bed thinking about how great it would be to announce our pregnancy to our families. Calling my sisters, first tweeting Nicole to make sure she answers her phone, I'd love to do something kitchy to tell mom. Like get her a onesie that says grandma or something like that. I laid there for like 4 hours thinking about how amazing the feeling would be to see that positive on a pregnancy test and the excitement i would feel telling everyone. I can't really help it, I know its not healthy for me to submerge myself in thoughts that could potentially cause me pain, but that's the problem. I want this so bad I can't help but fantasize about it.

Well I might as well hold onto the good feels while I can. If this isn't our month then I have to start over again. I've been incorporating a daily devotional into my routine in the mornings outside, the weather has been so beautiful lately that it helps me feel closer to God. its a different experience when you are praying and there is a nice breeze blowing through your hair. I read the bible for a bit, then I pray. Sometimes I don't know what to say so when I do I write it down, like a note. And then when I am at a loss for words I will go back and read what I have said before and it usually it will get me in the mood to talk to God. During prayer I will put my christian music on shuffle on my iPod and sometimes a random song comes on and it really speaks to my mood.

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